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Just another blog post

July 28, 2009

so i’ve come to realize a few key things the past few days. everything seems to happen for a reason. recently, a person close to me experienced something that most will never experience in a lifetime. Regardless of everything that happened though, he still grew and learned so much from it. I guess it really does take a major sacrifice in life to receive something even greater in return. for most, sacrificing this thing leads to gaining prominent knowledge and becoming a better person. For others it could mean something different…the knowledge that they inevitably will retain could help them find their own identity and help them understand the meaning and significance of their life. as for me, im still waiting for a change/sacrifice to happen. the biggest conflict that i find myself facing so obnoxiously day to day is finding myself. i still dont know who i am and what im going to become. i just feel so lost. lately ive been beginning to realize that the answer may lay in jesus christ…but i just hate that religion mostly only comes into play in a person’s life when they need something. i dont want it to be that way. i want to live life with the holy spirit within me whether or not the current content of my life is good or bad. i seriously want to change..become a better person; a better christian. but i just dont feel that i have the strength or power to do it. i dont know what steps to take first..or if im even capable of being completely devoted to god. hopefully going to church tonight will help me find my own answers. this now brings me to something that someone has been constantly telling me lately..”you cant always look to answers from other people..you need to find yourself first to be able to find those answers on your own. nobody else can help you with that.” although those aren’t the exact words that were spoken to me…they were still very piercing to hear and accept.. it hurts not even being able to know who you yourself are. in a way i just feel stupid and dumb..why cant i know myslelf? skfjakskdjaksdj its just stupid. i dont know. hopefully i can find some answers from within myself and from personal experiences that have already occured and those that are to come. another thing that i have realized from observing the actions of others: i need to analyze every single decision that i make before acting upon them since each decision, minor or extensive, has the capability of changing my entire life. every little thing that i do effects my future and changes my life. stupid things that i do today could leave me in the biggest ruts in the future if i dont stop. its dumb to think that i could ruin my life for the sake of something useless…like a material object. i have bad habits and problems that i really need to stop. im not willing to unintentionally lose everything over a simple decision. IM RETARDED. i dont know why i wrote this. its completely useless and i hope you didnt read the whole thing because it doesn’t make sense at all. probably the worst thing ive ever written in my life, honestly.

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